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Why is the nurturing role so important to the long-
term success of a marriage and family? When a
husband is nurtured, his emotional needs are met,
and he has a partner in the constant struggle to
maintain a healthy self-esteem and sense of self
worth. When children are nurtured, they grow up to
become considerate, successful adult team
members. In an ideal family model, there is a
protector/provider who puts the food on the table,
and a nurturer who supplies the emotional needs of
each family member, with a focus on their long-term
success in life.
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Why does infidelity exist in many marriages? Because
one or both marital partners do not feel that the
relationship meets their needs, emotionally or
otherwise. The wandering spouse will usually
gravitate toward a nurturer who is perceived by them
to care about them and will meet their needs. In
truth, I believe that the divorce rate would be far
lower if nurturing were restored to marriages and
families.
When I was growing up, my mother and father always
insisted that we go to bed at 8 pm, and later 9 pm,
so they could have time alone together. We did not
have to go to bed at that time, but we had to stay in
our rooms. We could play games, read books, but we
could not bother our parents. We understood just as
we had our time with them, that this was their time
and we were not to encroach on it unless there was
an emergency.
A few months ago, I watched an Oprah show where
husbands and fathers complained that their wives
spent all their time and energy on the children, and
that there was none left over for them. Sadly
enough, many of these marriages end in divorce once
the kids grow up and leave home. When you
hear “We became like two strangers,” this is generally
the result of a marriage where all the time and
attention were spent on the children, and none on
the marriage.
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The best thing that you can give your kids besides
love and attention is a good example – a good
example of a happy, well-running marriage with two
happy, fulfilled partners, and a happy, cheerful
nurturer who wears her hat with pride. The children
will not suffer from time well spent nurturing your
partner. In fact, they will grow in security and self-
confidence as part of a healthy family dynamic.
The successful nurturer is a choreographer
of the household, dividing up the household chores so
that each family member has chores to complete that
contribute to the smooth running of the household.
When our son was three years old, we assigned him
the task of cleaning the main bathroom. We stripped
him down to his underwear, gave him a bottle of non-
toxic dish soap with a sponge and showed him how to
clean. When he told us that he was finished, we
showed him how to wash away the soapsuds and
praised him for a job well done, no matter how it
came out. If the cleaning job needed some help, we
would wait until he had gone to bed before we made
any adjustments. We never criticized his work, but
sometimes in an instructional way, would show him
how to do a better job. Over time, he became a
wonderful bathroom cleaner, and graduated to doing
the dishes, cleaning the house (for pay), doing the
laundry (for pay) and learning to cook meals. We
decided how much money we were willing to pay for
each additional job he willingly took on and how much
was reasonable to pay him as an apprentice. At the
end of the day, we were happy to be teaching him
the life skills necessary to be successful on his own,
and he was happy to be earning some money as a
willing pupil. Even today, he willingly works for us
and with us doing jobs that we need done around the
house and the yard.
Though the raising of children is an important job,
there should be a balance between time and energy
spent on the children, time and energy spent on the
marital relationship, as well as time and energy spent
on activities (and with girlfriends) that recharge the
batteries of the nurturer. If you feel that you are
too tired and burned out to spend time on yourself or
on your marriage, then you need to rethink your
activity level and your priorities.
As a small boy, our son was taught that there
was “family time,” “Lucas time” “Mommy time,”
and “Mommy and Daddy time.” We always had family
time on Sundays, when we would often go on an
outing or take a drive somewhere for a picnic.
Saturday nights were our date nights, and we would
arrange for Lucas to either go to a babysitter, or to
spend the night with one of his friends. “Lucas time”
occurred after dinner or before bedtime, when we
would read books, play games, or watch movies. As
Lucas got older, “Lucas time” became movies,
outings, or lunches out. Our family time became
snorkeling trips, hikes, dinners out, outings, and trips
to the beach.
Our date nights, which we have maintained
throughout our marriage, have given us the
opportunity to reconnect as marital partners and
helped us to stay on the same page as far as future
plans and goals. Though our marriage has not been
all sunshine and roses, because we have maintained
open communication and nurturing for each other, we
have made it through the tough times, have stayed a
united team, and our love continues to grow as the
years go by.
Take a look at how balanced your family is.
Do you divide your time between children,
spouse,
and family evenly?
Do you spend most of your time and
energy on
your kids to the detriment of yourself and your
marriage?
How many activities are your children
involved in
that require your chauffeur services?
How many of their activities will be
important to
them as adults and how many activities should not be
pursued? It is up to you to determine their
importance and relevance in proportion to the time
spent schlepping them from place to place. Children
need some idle time to dream, to create, and to
expand their imagination. Many parents pack their
kids’ schedules too tight for any of this to occur,
then wonder why their kids suffer from burn-out.
As you answer these questions, you will begin to see
where you can make improvements in creating the
nurturing balance that is so vital to the success and
fulfillment of your marriage and family.
How do you create a healthy happy family?
Spend your time in balance, nurturing
yourself,
nurturing your spouse, and then nurturing your kids.
Make sure that each family member is
assigned
chores that contribute to the smooth running of the
household.
Make sure that your kids learn the
household skills
that will enable them to live on their own as adults by
doing them at home.
Give love, attention, and open
communication to
each family member.
Spend some time each day or week doing
something you love that recharges your batteries,
and you will be happy and fulfilled, and so will your
family!
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